


One Regret

by radkoko



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Canon Temporary Character Death, M/M, Memories, Regret
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-25
Updated: 2015-02-25
Packaged: 2018-03-15 05:36:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3435431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/radkoko/pseuds/radkoko
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Iruka's life is threatened, he thinks of his one regret. But will he get the chance to change this regret?</p>
            </blockquote>





	One Regret

**Author's Note:**

  * For [daevilgenius](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=daevilgenius).



> Weaved through manga chapters 420-450, Invasion of Pein Arc (Episodes ~152-175)

_Everything was in chaos yet to Iruka it went in slow motion._

Shinobi were brought up to not fear their death, to know that it could happen at any time. 

This was that moment. Iruka could tell and he didn't regret it at all.

Of course there were always those times he wished he could change.

~~~

He screamed for his parents, trying to wrangle out of the arms he was being dragged away in. Iruka didn't want to believe what was going on. Why would this shinobi take him away when he needed to be with his parents now. They just didn't understand him; he had to be with his parents.

One’s life flashing before their eyes wasn't all-bad, in fact it often drove them to wish they could have done more.

Iruka looked at the scared Naruto below him, throbbing pain from the large shuriken embedded deep into his back. 

It was then that he and Naruto truly bonded, everything before had brought them together, but that day made them family.

He still felt that they were too young to be sent into the chunnin exams, no matter how well they did.

Losing the Third didn't make it any better. The man, like a protective uncle, had been with him since his parents died, and although he had to show strength for his students, it hurt. It hurt, as if losing his parents all over again.

He had seen Naruto grow into an amazing ninja. The boy was still brash, outspoken, and overly sure of himself, but amazing.

If only he could see him again. Naruto would never forgive him for dying, even if it was to protect him. Iruka was sure that it would actually make Naruto hate him more, but it's what family does for one another.

~~~

Iruka took in a deep breath, ready for the end, a small light twinkling in his mind. He let it grow, reminding him that maybe there was one regret in his life.

That one stupid, infuriating, oddly happy, masked jounin. Kakashi had become a common lunch, or even drinking buddy when he had needed it. For much of the 2 years while Naruto was away, they were the only two that ever wanted to discuss the boy. People had grown to tolerate Naruto after the attack on Konoha, but they were more than happy to ignore his existence while he was gone. Even then Kakashi mostly listened to Iruka, not saying much until a year into his absence.

"I wonder if Naruto hates me?" Kakashi pondered aloud one night.

Iruka choked on the mouthful of ramen he had just started eating. Kakashi had barely greeted him with pleasantries over the year. In fact he was surprised that Kakashi hung around, as Iruka did all the talking.

"I'm not sure that Naruto could hate anyone," Iruka replied when he was finally able to breathe again.

"He has to hate someone."

"He grew up with so much hate directed at him, he isn't the type to keep that cycle up. Although people that have hurt those he cares about, are probably the closest."

Iruka noticed Kakashi's visible eye had twitched, betraying a hint of hurt.

"Why do you think he would hate you?"

"I'm responsible for Sasuke's defection. Who hurt Sakura, whom he cares about…and even hurt himself since he cares about Sasuke."

Iruka stirred his rapidly cooling ramen. "I don't think he blames you for Sasuke, and you shouldn't blame yourself for Sasuke. He came a long way in your team, further towards a normal boy his age than any of the other teams would have provided him. He would have left no matter what, given the opportunity that came to him."

He looked to Kakashi who watched him, his singular eye more relaxed than Iruka had seen in many months.

Although the conversation never picked up again that cold afternoon, Kakashi started to speak more and more each time they met. 

As the next year passed, Iruka started to feel their friendship grow.  
"I'll have to go now, but you'll be the first to know when I'm back," Kakashi said as he was about to head out on a mission.

Iruka's heart hurt as he wondered what dangers were in store for Kakashi. "Just come back safe..." His eyes connected with Kakashi's, tearing them away to his more interesting uneaten ramen bowl, "if you don't I'll be back to eating alone." He was sure his joke didn't cover his worry, but maybe just enough to keep it platonic.

A hand rested on his shoulder, "Who wouldn't want to come back to listen to the stressed out teacher talk their ear off."

Iruka chuckled, cracking a smile, "I wouldn't have talked your ear off if you had joined in the conversation."

"I guess I'll have to work on that." Iruka turned to watch as Kakashi gave him a slight bow and disappeared into a puff of smoke.

Iruka was beginning to hate that sight.

Sure enough two weeks later, Kakashi was there in front of him, handing in his report. Iruka could feel Kakashi's low reserves of chakra, amazed the man was still standing. He watched Kakashi walk towards him, noticing the blood stained on his uniform.

"See, I made it back in one piece," Kakashi said as he pushed the paper across the table.

"Barely..." Iruka muttered under his breath, knowing Kakashi could hear it anyway.

"Nee Iruka, you shouldn't worry so much about me."

"I wouldn't have to if you just took care of yourself." Iruka looked up to give Kakashi a joking sneer, then sat stilled by what he saw.

Iruka watched as Kakashi attempted to smile under the mask, he had never seen underneath it, but the emotions were visible to anyone who looked. The smile was fake, well mostly fake, with pain showing through. He couldn't stand watching it anymore.

The chair scraped back along the wooden floor as Iruka stood up, ignoring the confused eyes watching his move to the other side of the table. He shooed Kakashi around and towards the door.

"You're going to the hospital, now." Iruka wanted to lend a shoulder, but was afraid of how it would affect Kakashi's appearance, so he just played mother, as he would with any of his students.

They made it halfway to the hospital in silence. "I'm sorry if I've ruined your reputation," Iruka apologized.

Kakashi's chuckle was weak, but genuine. "I wouldn't know, although yours might have been boosted."

Iruka turned his head to question Kakashi, "How so?"

"How? The chunnin teacher, friend to everyone in the village, dragged the most feared shinobi in the village to the hospital. Who wouldn't talk about it?"

"I didn't drag you..."

"Ehh, but gossip always gets exaggerated, they'll say you dragged me by the ear kicking and screaming." Kakashi paused. Iruka felt his cheeks heating up, "But I don't mind, I need someone to take care of me, seeing as I don't do a very good job taking care of myself."

Iruka stopped as they approached the hospital doors.

"What's wrong?" Kakashi asked, crooking his head with curiosity.

Iruka lifted his head. He smiled at Kakashi, "can you promise to not skip out at this point? I just realized Tsunade is going to have my head for skipping out on work like that. I'll be sure to visit later." He waved, disappearing before Kakashi got the chance to answer.

He never did go back that time. Kakashi had gotten out the next day, so he was able to play it off since Tsunade had forced him to work an extra shift to make up for skipping out. He knew it didn’t really fool anyone since he had recently been moving everything to visit Kakashi in the hospital.

Kakashi's words had hit him a bit hard. He would love to stay with Kakashi to take care of him, but Iruka wasn't sure that their thoughts on that were the same.

The weeks passed as their relationship seemed to go in reverse, they met less, talked less, and their conversations lost the joking air they had developed.

~~~

So, yes, Iruka had one regret. A huge regret that left a gaping hole in his heart, but as time started up again, he knew he'd have to let it go.

The village had intruders, buildings were coming down, and people were running everywhere. Iruka stopped to help an injured shinobi at the side of the road.

“Are you ok?” Iruka bent down to help the man up, but before he could get him up a person came up to his side. He looked up to see a man with orange spiked haired, and piercings everywhere, in a black coat with red clouds; Akatsuki.

"Tell me where the nine tailed beast's host is," the Akatsuki asked.

"I won't tell you anything!" Iruka would defend Naruto even if it meant his death.

"Fine..." The man raised his weapon, beginning to strike.

Iruka watched as the weapon stopped inches from him. A pale hand halting the weapon inches from his face.

"Kakashi!" His surprise and worry could be heard all mixed together when he called out to the man.

"Take that injured man and get out of here. Leave this to me," Kakashi said sternly. Iruka didn't even have time to analyze why Kakashi was upset, but the staring match between him and the Akatsuki, told Iruka that he was no longer of importance to the unknown man.

Iruka wished Kakashi the best of luck and safety, before quickly bolting out of the area. He was sure that he would be more of a hindrance than a help if he had protested to stay.

When he found a medic team Iruka passed the injured shinobi off to be tended to, and now he had nothing to do but worry. Working to keep his mind off Kakashi, Iruka ran around to evacuate and rescue any stranded citizen. He could hear the chaos continue around, but he forced himself to ignore the craving to run back for Kakashi.

The battle continued for hours, changing drastically as Naruto came back to fight Pein directly. When the fight finally concluded Naruto disappeared and all was quiet. It was too quiet, for so many had been lost. Iruka couldn't resist any longer and started off to find where Kakashi had gone.

He didn't make it far when he saw the body lying on the ground. Choji and his father stood nearby, but their demeanor told him what he didn't want to know.

He walked over, greeting the Akimichis who started to clear the debris around them to give him some space.

"You idiot...I was supposed to take care of you, but of course you're always the hero. That Pein must have been strong to take you down." Iruka wanted to hit Kakashi for being foolish, but it would mean nothing now.

He leaned over, clinking their headbands together. He paused with a deep sigh, before getting up and walking away.

Iruka found a group of shinobi working to pick up bodies that they found. It wasn't Iruka's first choice of job, but when someone came asking about their family, it would be important to be able to tell them something definitive.

They had started lining up the fallen Konoha citizens when something rumbled through the village. The group looked around, watching as blinding white lights flew all around. Iruka watched, amazed as one after another the line of bodies jolted up, alive once again.

He didn't watch for long before realizing what it meant. Iruka ran back towards the spot Kakashi had been, noticing life back in Kakashi's face, who was sitting upright trying to figure the miracle out as well.

Iruka lost all sense of propriety as he ran towards Kakashi, dropping to the ground, and holding onto him tightly. He was surprised when his hug was returned, not that he would have let go either way.

After a few moments of silence passed Kakashi started to push him away. Iruka withdrew himself, not wanting to push his luck too far; having Kakashi alive again was enough for one day.

"I'm going to go search around," Kakashi noted as he stood up, looking a bit shaky.

"Keep an eye out for Naruto, everyone is talking about what he's done for us today. We both know he's no different from you, pushing himself to exhaustion," Iruka stuck to their common tie, giving Kakashi a job that he felt was very important.

Kakashi held out a hand to help Iruka up. "Of course, I'll make sure he comes back to you alive."

Iruka smiled taking the hand that let go far to quickly after he stood up. He watched as Kakashi smiled and ran off.

It wasn't long before he could hear the cheering through the village, seeing Naruto brought into the village on Kakashi's back.

Iruka was so proud of how far Naruto had come, once hated and hunted by the village members, now their savior and gaining their praise. The boy had become a brother to him, and he couldn't help, but feel that he deserved this after everything he had done for the village.

Kakashi left Naruto to his friends and colleagues, appearing by Iruka's side.

The two watched on. "Can I join you for dinner?" Kakashi asked. Iruka happy to see the smile returned to his face.

"Always," Iruka returned the smile.

"What about letting me sleep on your couch?"

Iruka looked at Kakashi, lost somewhere between shocked and intrigued.

"Seeing as your apartment is still standing and mine has been completely trashed, I was thinking you might let me stay with you."

"Again, always." Iruka was sure that some disappointment could be heard in his voice, but he couldn't turn Kakashi away.

When the chaos died down, Iruka checked on Naruto one last time before leaving him with his friends.

Iruka walked home looking at all the destruction; Yamato had be able to repair a number of areas, but not everything. He continued towards his place almost forgetting that Kakashi was following. Iruka stopped when he saw his apartment building. It had always been hidden from view by other buildings and trees, yet there it stood, alone shining in the moonlight. Iruka felt a shiver through his whole body wondering whether the sight was a welcome one or not. How it continued to stand confused Iruka, but it looked stable and many of his neighbors had found their way back as lights filled the windows of the building.

A hand rested softly in the small of his back, meaning to comfort, but shocked Iruka into a startled jump. He looked at Kakashi who removed his hand as if it had been burnt. They stood in an awkward silence, until Iruka started walking again.

Iruka invited Kakashi in, walking into the kitchen first to see what he even had to offer. There wasn't much, but he'd always been resourceful. He felt scattered, wanting to start up food, but realized that it would be better if he took a shower first, but then should offer the bath to Kakashi first as his guest. Iruka spun around turning with every new though in his head. His flak jacket caught the edge of a dish and it went flying off the counter barely caught by Iruka's reflexes.

He exhaled, looking at the dish he'd almost shattered in his hurry. It reflected his face, worn and dirty from the day's battle. He looked into the weak reflection, staring back into his own eyes that still showed the fear of loss over Kakashi. He remembered the pale face that lacked any of the color that once made it look human. Eyes closed, that should have looked peaceful, but held the stress and anger of the situation. But it all had meant one thing…Kakashi had died. Iruka lost his grip as the plate fell to the floor shattering.

Iruka didn't even realize it had dropped from his hands until the sound echoed through his kitchen. He bent down to start picking up the pieces when Kakashi rushed in to check on him.

"Are you hurt?"

Iruka shook his head avoiding eye contact.

"You really should be cautious picking it up too, even ceramic can give nasty cuts." Iruka could hear Kakashi's voice trying to be light with its usual uncaring nature.

He nodded back to Kakashi, carefully trying to pull the pieces into one spot.

"You know, if you really need some dishware to throw I'm sure there is plenty at the remains of my apartment, I'm pretty sure it's too far from fixing," Kakashi suggested.

A chuckle escaped from Iruka's mouth, as it began to grow, continuing into a full fledged laugh. Iruka could feel tears running down his face that he wasn't quite sure where they came from. He noticed Kakashi drop to the floor next to him, grabbing his empty hand to hold.

"What's wrong Iruka? Are you sure you're okay?"

Iruka felt a finger lift his chin, but he jerked away from it. He held onto Kakashi's hand tightly, before forcing himself to look towards Kakashi.

"You died, of course I'm not simply okay," Iruka said wiping the tears from his cheeks to no avail as his eyes were still tearing up unexpectedly.

Kakashi leaned over giving Iruka a chaste kiss on the lips through his mask. Iruka could feel his lips twitch into a smile.

"It's not going to ever be just okay again, but if you won't get tired of me I won't go anywhere," Kakashi gave his classic smile with nothing holding it back.

Iruka sighed, but gave a smile back to Kakashi, and he was sure Kakashi knew his answer.

"Leave it for later," Kakashi said pulling Iruka up, leading him to the bathroom.

Kakashi gently pushed Iruka through the doorway. "Take a nice shower and you should feel better."

He watched Kakashi walk out of the bathroom, "You weren't planning on taking one with me?" Iruka felt the words slip from his lips without thinking twice about what he was suggesting.

"What? No!" Kakashi said, his eye was wide, and Iruka swore he could have seen a hint of pink above his mask. The man coughed, "I.. I mean, we can do that some other time..." his ear starting to show color against the silvered hair.

Iruka bit his tongue to keep himself from laughing. He understood Kakashi trying to let him have his space, and yet not distance himself by making Iruka feel he wasn't interested.

When the door closed Iruka started the shower, letting the sound drown out the day. He undressed before sliding into the shower to rinse off the grime and dirt of the day. Of course that wasn't all he was trying to wash away, he was hoping to drown the thoughts that went through his head of every second he remembered of Kakashi being dead.

Why had Kakashi's death hit him so much harder than it hit Kakashi? Or maybe that was part of the question, maybe it did hit Kakashi just as hard, he just held it all back behind that mask of his.

Iruka felt the water cooling down, wondering how long he'd been in there. He toweled off, wandering into his room to get dressed. A warm, rich smell entered the air as he walked back to the kitchen from where it emanated.

Kakashi stood in his kitchen, hovering over a steaming pot. He walked closer looking over Kakashi's shoulder at the stew he had heating up.

"It looks delicious, thank you..."

"Ehh, it wasn't hard to see what you were going to make, I just put my own twist on it."

"How about I finish it up, so you can go take a shower too," Iruka suggested, taking the spoon from Kakashi's hand. "It really did help."

Kakashi shrugged walking away from Iruka, before Iruka grabbed his shoulder. When Kakashi looked back Iruka gave him a kiss on the cheek. "Thanks for picking up the mess."

Iruka watched Kakashi stall, but nod in recognition. "I'll try to find something for you to wear."

He swore Kakashi laughed at him, but ignored it to give the stew some attention. Tasting it, he decided to add in a touch of his own flavors to round it out, placing a lid on it to simmer.

Iruka let the pot sit, getting back to his closet to find something for Kakashi. To their advantage they wore the same sized clothing, but that would only be of use if Iruka could find some that weren't dirty.

He finally dug out a pair of pants and shirt that were hidden behind his work clothes. Iruka looked at them for a few moments, but knew they were the best he had without making Kakashi wear work clothes to sleep in.

Iruka knocked on the bathroom door. "Kakashi I'm bringing clothes in."

He let himself in since he wasn't sure if Kakashi could hear him over the water. He placed the clothes on the counter, letting Kakashi know. "I brought in the clothes, they might be a little small, but I didn't have anything else," he said over the pounding of the water on the tile.

"Thanks," Kakashi was barely heard over the water, but Iruka was glad for the response.

When he heard the water stop he felt it would be just about the right time to serve dinner.

As he placed the bowls on the table, Kakashi emerged from the bathroom. Iruka went ahead and sat down waiting for Kakashi to join him. When he looked over to ask how he was feeling Iruka got an eyeful. Kakashi wore the pants, but Iruka guessed that the shirt was too small for him since he came to the table bare chested. Not only this, but his face was fully visible, no mask to hide behind.

"Kakashi...?" Iruka questioned, unable to even finish his thought.

"I was hoping you wouldn't notice," he said, the weak smile showing Iruka what he had always imagined.

"How could anyone not notice you without your mask? You've worn it for longer than I've know you, and you even had your team chasing after you to show them what you hid under it."

"I guess, but I was still hoping," Kakashi chuckled a little as he started eating.

They ate with just the sound of slurping breaking the silence of their meal.

"So..." Iruka watched Kakashi stare at him worry evident on his face as if the conversation would stick to questions about his face. "The shirt was too small I take it."

Kakashi's face slowly gained color, turning pink and Iruka's grin stared to grow.

"Sorry, it's a bit improper to be at dinner like this."

Iruka laughed at him, "No, it's fine...I just couldn't resist teasing you about it."

Kakashi looked at Iruka smirking, "you're a bit of a troublemaker aren't you."

"My whole life."

Iruka was surprised when he felt the strong, commanding lips on his. Letting them take control for the moment, too enraptured by getting the chance to feel Kakashi's actual lips on his instead of the rough mask. Kakashi slowly pulled away from Iruka, going back to his dinner.

Getting up from the table Iruka took a few deep breaths trying to calm himself. He put away the remainder of the food, before picking up the empty bowls from the table.

Kakashi's hand shot out to grasp onto Iruka's wrist before he could leave the table. "Did I mess up something?"

"Never... I just...I wanted to clean up, it's getting late."

The grip loosened on Iruka's wrist until he was able to break out of it, "I promise..."

After the dishes were cleaned Iruka walked around to Kakashi, who had relocated to the couch.

"Do you have a blanket?"

"Well, yes." Iruka turned to grab his guest sheets from the closet, but he stopped. "What if I don't want to?"

Kakashi looked at him, obviously confused. "Why not?"

Iruka was silent, but tried to say what was on his mind, "I...I...will you spend the night with me?" He wasn't sure if there was more shock in his brain for what he said or on Kakashi's face. "If you don't want t-"

"Yes," Kakashi cut him off, standing up to follow him to his room.

Iruka got in, patting a side to encourage Kakashi that it was really what he wanted. Iruka felt the bed dip as Kakashi sat down, and they laid down looking each other in the eye.

They stared at each other until Iruka's eyes started to droop closed, he slowly moved his hand until he felt it grab ahold of Kakashi's. With this comfort he let sleep take over.

When he woke up in the middle of the night he felt his arm draped over Kakashi's chest, and still attached to the man's hand.

"Are you still awake?" he asked, noticing the uneven breathing from Kakashi.

"It's a little hard to sleep."

"Okay, so maybe you aren't handling it as well as you're pretending to."

Iruka looked up to Kakashi who turned his head, looking back at Iruka with pain in his eyes.

"I don't think I realized how well I was pretending to take it, but it's not easy."

"I know, I was scared enough the moments before you saved me, I regretted not telling you how I felt."

Kakashi chuckled, Iruka glad to hear it, but not happy about being laughed at.

"Okay so you knew, for how long?"

"Ohh, quite a while. The look in your eyes every time I went to leave on a mission told me everything. And the way you chided me whenever I came back, it was too enjoyable."

They were silent, Kakashi speaking up again, "honestly that wasn't what I was laughing at."

"Really?" Iruka asked skeptical.

"Yeah, you were my regret too. I wanted to tell you every time I left on a mission, but it kept me coming back alive."

"Barely," Iruka responded.

"Notice it took me dying to do anything about it..."

"What a pair we are."

"Yup, but I wouldn't have it any other way..." Kakashi kissed Iruka on the head, gripping tight around him.

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote this for the winter round 2013, just realized I'd never posted it anywhere else. Enjoy.


End file.
